It's been almost a month since my last post. My dad two days after my last entry, and the past few weeks have been surreal in many ways. I think I have delayed writing this because it means acknowledging in a concrete way that he is really gone. For all that I know that, I still find myself reaching for the phone to call and talk with him. Even knowing that for the last month or so before he died that was no longer possible. He became much weaker and demented and was unable to talk on the phone anymore. I miss our conversations about life and about God. He was fond of telling me that God laughs when we tell God our plans for the future. I am grateful he is no longer suffering, and my heart smiles as I picture him reunited with my mother, who died fifteen years ago. He missed her more every year. So I'm trying not to grieve as those who have no hope, but rather in the sure and certain hope of the resurrection. And I'm grateful that my dad ended every phone call with, "Remember I love you." Even though I can't call him any more, I can still hear his voice reminding me of his love. Remember I love you too, Daddy.
Grace and Peace,
Donna Sue
Saturday, December 6, 2008
Monday, November 10, 2008
Waiting for the inevitable
We won't get out of this alive--life that is. While that's true for most of us, for my dad it's become a matter of a few days or at most a week or two. I'm thankful he is now in hospice care where they are making him comfortable as he prepares to leave this life for the next. And so I'm waiting for the inevitable phone call to tell me he is gone.
In the meantime, I'm trying to stay focused on the obligations that keep me tethered here rather than at his side. And on the small joys that God keeps providing in my life to keep me going. This weekend, our youngest son and his son, our youngest grandson, came unexpectedly for a few hours. Our grandson is crawling everywhere now at the speed of greased lightning. He's also pulling up on any stationary object and occasionally letting go, so he'll be walking soon. He and I had fun playing peek-a-boo around the furniture while his dad and my husband watched football. He's such a happy, even-tempered, loving little guy. His presence eased the hurt in my heart.
So did the visit by our two oldest grand kids a few hours later. We got to keep them while their mom and and dad went to a college reunion. We played with the dogs, had mac and cheese and applesauce for supper, had a fire in the fireplace, watched Peter Pan after baths, and had a slumber party with the kids on sleeping bags in our bedroom. For a time, I forgot about everything else but the joy of being with these happy,loving little kids.
I'm also grateful for my class at the university. At first I felt guilty about having agreed to teach just a week or so before my dad was taken so ill. But as the semester has progressed and I've come to know these wonderful students, I've realized that God has provided me with yet another blessing to see me through this time. I cannot change what is happening with my dad, and he is in God's good hands in any case. Thank God for that! So I have the class to keep me busy, and the students who are a joy to teach.
God is good. All the time. Even now when life is sad, and my heart is heavy.
Grace and Peace,
Donna Sue
In the meantime, I'm trying to stay focused on the obligations that keep me tethered here rather than at his side. And on the small joys that God keeps providing in my life to keep me going. This weekend, our youngest son and his son, our youngest grandson, came unexpectedly for a few hours. Our grandson is crawling everywhere now at the speed of greased lightning. He's also pulling up on any stationary object and occasionally letting go, so he'll be walking soon. He and I had fun playing peek-a-boo around the furniture while his dad and my husband watched football. He's such a happy, even-tempered, loving little guy. His presence eased the hurt in my heart.
So did the visit by our two oldest grand kids a few hours later. We got to keep them while their mom and and dad went to a college reunion. We played with the dogs, had mac and cheese and applesauce for supper, had a fire in the fireplace, watched Peter Pan after baths, and had a slumber party with the kids on sleeping bags in our bedroom. For a time, I forgot about everything else but the joy of being with these happy,loving little kids.
I'm also grateful for my class at the university. At first I felt guilty about having agreed to teach just a week or so before my dad was taken so ill. But as the semester has progressed and I've come to know these wonderful students, I've realized that God has provided me with yet another blessing to see me through this time. I cannot change what is happening with my dad, and he is in God's good hands in any case. Thank God for that! So I have the class to keep me busy, and the students who are a joy to teach.
God is good. All the time. Even now when life is sad, and my heart is heavy.
Grace and Peace,
Donna Sue
Friday, October 17, 2008
Angel Duty
This has been one of those times in my life when I have wondered if God is paying attention to what's going on in my life. I know that God has many more important things to be paying attention to in this world. Yesterday, however, I had an experience I'll return to in the future whenever I wonder if God cares about the details in my life. I had an early morning doctor's appointment and fortunately was through in plenty of time to make it to the class I teach at the local university. As I walked up to my car in the clinic parking lot, I noticed someone striding purposefully towards me. While I was unlocking the car, this individual pulled her sweatshirt hood off her head, and I realized it was a young woman. She asked if I knew where the Texas Workforce Commission office was and if it was close. I started to describe where it was, pointing to the traffic light and telling her it was just down the hill past the light and left at the next street.
Her face fell, and I suddenly found myself asking if she wanted a ride. She said she would appreciate that, so I emptied the front seat, and we took off right about 9:30 a.m. She told me she had been walking from 25th street (a good 4 or 5 miles from where I encountered her) since the friend who was supposed to give her a ride had not shown up as promised. She also said she'd been praying the whole way that she would make it in time because they had told her if she was not there by 9:35 they would not allow her in for the appointment. I told her she could rest assured that God had answered her prayer as I'm was not in the habit of offering rides to people I didn't know. I also told her that I was sure that God had something waiting for her at the appointment.
When I pulled up to the employment office, it was 9:34. She thanked me, and I told her she had made my morning. She hurried into the building, and I said a prayer that this determined young woman would find a job. It all happened so fast, that it was only as I was driving away that I started calculating the odds of her walking up just as I was preparing to get into my car, of my being someone who knew where the employment office was located (it's in an obscure place, but close to where my office once was located), and of my being moved to offer her the ride, without which she would never have made it to the appointment on time. Only God could have coordinated such a string of split-second coincidences to both answer this young woman's prayer, and allow me the benefit of playing angel for a stranger. When I asked God about that, God just smiled and laughed, the way God often does at such moments.
Life has been sad and stressful for me of late, but now when I find myself wondering if God really cares about the details of my life, I'll remember the determined young woman, who prayed she would make her appointment at the employment office on time, and how God allowed me to be the angel who answered her prayer. And I'll rest assured that the God who knows the number of hairs on my head cares very much what's happening in my life and in the lives of all God's other children. Thanks be to God for that.
Grace and Peace,
Donna Sue
Her face fell, and I suddenly found myself asking if she wanted a ride. She said she would appreciate that, so I emptied the front seat, and we took off right about 9:30 a.m. She told me she had been walking from 25th street (a good 4 or 5 miles from where I encountered her) since the friend who was supposed to give her a ride had not shown up as promised. She also said she'd been praying the whole way that she would make it in time because they had told her if she was not there by 9:35 they would not allow her in for the appointment. I told her she could rest assured that God had answered her prayer as I'm was not in the habit of offering rides to people I didn't know. I also told her that I was sure that God had something waiting for her at the appointment.
When I pulled up to the employment office, it was 9:34. She thanked me, and I told her she had made my morning. She hurried into the building, and I said a prayer that this determined young woman would find a job. It all happened so fast, that it was only as I was driving away that I started calculating the odds of her walking up just as I was preparing to get into my car, of my being someone who knew where the employment office was located (it's in an obscure place, but close to where my office once was located), and of my being moved to offer her the ride, without which she would never have made it to the appointment on time. Only God could have coordinated such a string of split-second coincidences to both answer this young woman's prayer, and allow me the benefit of playing angel for a stranger. When I asked God about that, God just smiled and laughed, the way God often does at such moments.
Life has been sad and stressful for me of late, but now when I find myself wondering if God really cares about the details of my life, I'll remember the determined young woman, who prayed she would make her appointment at the employment office on time, and how God allowed me to be the angel who answered her prayer. And I'll rest assured that the God who knows the number of hairs on my head cares very much what's happening in my life and in the lives of all God's other children. Thanks be to God for that.
Grace and Peace,
Donna Sue
Saturday, October 11, 2008
First do no harm
It was Hippocrates, a wise physician from ancient times, who said in providing medical care, the physician is first to do no harm. I have thought about that this week as my sisters and I have wrestled with how best to care for my dad at the end of his life. We returned late last night from our visit with him many miles away. Because he can no longer swallow even water at this point without inhaling it into his lungs, the skilled nursing center where he is now living recommended a feeding tube in hopes he will be stronger if he can eat and drink and participate in therapy.
The catch of course is that he did not want a feeding tube to simply prolong his life. After much discussion, my sisters and I, with the advice of my physician husband, reluctantly agreed to allow the tube to be placed with the understanding that the feeding can be stopped in the future if it is truly at that point merely prolonging his suffering. I am still ambivalent about this decision as it's hard to foresee what the future holds, and I'm afraid we may have just begun to do that which he did not want done. My dad has said he is ready to die. He's blind and his body and his mind are failing him. He has also missed my mother more with each passing year in the 15 years since her death. It's not a pretty picture all around. I am praying for God to watch over him and to guide us as we discern what is best for him.
My husband does not think he will be around for much longer in any case. When we visited him in the hospital before leaving to return home, I held his hand and read to him from the Psalms. My husband and I prayed with him before we left, with a heavy heart on my part as I don't expect to see him again in this life. I'm glad to know he is in God's good hands whatever happens.
This past week also included a funeral for a friend from church, a graveside service for my husband's mother, and news that the wife of one of his cousins had died. We will not make that funeral tomorrow. I am weighed down with sorrow at the moment. I've learned that some times in life are simply more full of sadness than others. At such times I'm especially grateful for the love of family and friends and for God's presence when I with me. I would not be able to stand at all in such times without God's help. I have no doubt this time of sorrow, like the ones that have come before, will pass. For everything there is a season, and now is another season of sorrow. Even at such times, however, God's love sustains me. Thanks be to God!
Grace and peace,
Donna Sue
The catch of course is that he did not want a feeding tube to simply prolong his life. After much discussion, my sisters and I, with the advice of my physician husband, reluctantly agreed to allow the tube to be placed with the understanding that the feeding can be stopped in the future if it is truly at that point merely prolonging his suffering. I am still ambivalent about this decision as it's hard to foresee what the future holds, and I'm afraid we may have just begun to do that which he did not want done. My dad has said he is ready to die. He's blind and his body and his mind are failing him. He has also missed my mother more with each passing year in the 15 years since her death. It's not a pretty picture all around. I am praying for God to watch over him and to guide us as we discern what is best for him.
My husband does not think he will be around for much longer in any case. When we visited him in the hospital before leaving to return home, I held his hand and read to him from the Psalms. My husband and I prayed with him before we left, with a heavy heart on my part as I don't expect to see him again in this life. I'm glad to know he is in God's good hands whatever happens.
This past week also included a funeral for a friend from church, a graveside service for my husband's mother, and news that the wife of one of his cousins had died. We will not make that funeral tomorrow. I am weighed down with sorrow at the moment. I've learned that some times in life are simply more full of sadness than others. At such times I'm especially grateful for the love of family and friends and for God's presence when I with me. I would not be able to stand at all in such times without God's help. I have no doubt this time of sorrow, like the ones that have come before, will pass. For everything there is a season, and now is another season of sorrow. Even at such times, however, God's love sustains me. Thanks be to God!
Grace and peace,
Donna Sue
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
Fear and Faith
The past ten days have been some of the longest in my life, longer even than the days of waiting for our oldest son to be born a week late. This waiting has not been so happy. Our oldest son's son has been gravely ill with high fevers for many days. He also refused to drink or eat much of anything.
I have learned again the exhaustion of prayer without ceasing. We finally got to see him this weekend, and I was able to hold him in my arms and not just in my prayers. It was hard to see him so thin and listless, like the little ones I used to rock in the local neonatal intensive care unit. He's always been such a happy baby with a joyous laugh. I've spent these many days beseeching God for healing for him, and for comfort for his parents. I realized, with great reluctance, that all I could do besides pray was to place him in God's good hands and trust that God would care for him, whatever the outcome. Not an easy thing for a grandmother to do.
I was helped by memories of a young woman I met among the evacuees from Hurricane Ike. She came to the arts and crafts room where I volunteered with her small children and created a beautiful piece of artwork out of construction paper. She made an apple tree, complete with bright red apples cut with a hole punch, and below the tree she wrote in Spanish, "Count the blessings God has given you." On a small heart, she wrote, "Jesus will not leave you alone and friendless. Live your faith." In the past ten days I have clung to the wisdom of this faithful young woman in her challenging circumstances as I've attempted to live my own faith in a difficult time.
Thanks be to God, our grandson finally seems to be making some progress towards health. His fever is gone, and he has started eating and drinking again and sleeping. So now I'm praying for his complete recovery. I want to see once again the happy, laughing little boy who brightened our lives. I'm still exhausted, but now with relief. I'm especially grateful to God for accepting my prayers and my fears and my hopes in such a dark time. God is good, even when a grandmother's heart has a hard time feeling that reality.
Grace and Peace,
Donna Sue
I have learned again the exhaustion of prayer without ceasing. We finally got to see him this weekend, and I was able to hold him in my arms and not just in my prayers. It was hard to see him so thin and listless, like the little ones I used to rock in the local neonatal intensive care unit. He's always been such a happy baby with a joyous laugh. I've spent these many days beseeching God for healing for him, and for comfort for his parents. I realized, with great reluctance, that all I could do besides pray was to place him in God's good hands and trust that God would care for him, whatever the outcome. Not an easy thing for a grandmother to do.
I was helped by memories of a young woman I met among the evacuees from Hurricane Ike. She came to the arts and crafts room where I volunteered with her small children and created a beautiful piece of artwork out of construction paper. She made an apple tree, complete with bright red apples cut with a hole punch, and below the tree she wrote in Spanish, "Count the blessings God has given you." On a small heart, she wrote, "Jesus will not leave you alone and friendless. Live your faith." In the past ten days I have clung to the wisdom of this faithful young woman in her challenging circumstances as I've attempted to live my own faith in a difficult time.
Thanks be to God, our grandson finally seems to be making some progress towards health. His fever is gone, and he has started eating and drinking again and sleeping. So now I'm praying for his complete recovery. I want to see once again the happy, laughing little boy who brightened our lives. I'm still exhausted, but now with relief. I'm especially grateful to God for accepting my prayers and my fears and my hopes in such a dark time. God is good, even when a grandmother's heart has a hard time feeling that reality.
Grace and Peace,
Donna Sue
Saturday, September 13, 2008
Glitter Glory
My husband and I spent a number of hours yesterday and today at a Red Cross Shelter for Hurricane Ike evacuees, who came in from the Texas coast. He spent most of his time doing sick call since he's a physician. I spent mine doing arts and crafts with the children, who were bored away from their normal activities. What a blessing it was to spend time with them. I got to practice my Spanish, as many spoke Spanish and some spoke little English. I had to ask some of the kids for help translating the words for such things as markers, scissors, hole punch, stapler, glue and glitter. They were not in my vocabulary.
The shelter is at a Jewish camp north of us. The director and his wife are good friends, so that is how we ended up volunteering there. We were there after Hurricane Rita as well, and I learned then that my rudimentary Spanish was most helpful. I joked with Loui, the camp director, that since Rita I'd learned a little Chinese. He commented that he didn't think I'd need that. Turns out he was wrong. Four-year old Jason, who's from Houston, heard me speaking Spanish yesterday, and told me he spoke Chinese. His eyes were huge when I told him I did too (an exaggeration though I can carry on rudimentary conversation). He giggled whenever I spoke to him in Chinese, and his big sister, Amy, gently corrected my pronunciation. She also gave me a picture of horses she drew, which I will treasure. Before they left after lunch today to go home to Houston, she took a picture of me with her brother, and he took one of me with his sister. I will miss them!
I actually owe Jason credit for the glitter escapade. Anna, the young rabbi and chaplain from Dallas who was at the camp, opened the art supply closet for us. It was a kid's dream. We couldn't allow the kids in, but Jason would stand at the door and make requests. He was the one who saw the glitter and asked for some. It turned out to be the most popular of all the art supplies. The kids had great fun with glue and glitter, which of course ended up everywhere! What's an art room for if you can't make a mess? My husband laughed when I joined him for lunch because I had glitter on my face. I also had some on my shoes and my clothes--bits of sunshine and rainbow glory in a dark and scary time, a reminder of the rainbow promise God gave Noah. God is good all the time. Even, and maybe especially, in the midst of a hurricane evacuation.
Grace and Peace,
Donna Sue
The shelter is at a Jewish camp north of us. The director and his wife are good friends, so that is how we ended up volunteering there. We were there after Hurricane Rita as well, and I learned then that my rudimentary Spanish was most helpful. I joked with Loui, the camp director, that since Rita I'd learned a little Chinese. He commented that he didn't think I'd need that. Turns out he was wrong. Four-year old Jason, who's from Houston, heard me speaking Spanish yesterday, and told me he spoke Chinese. His eyes were huge when I told him I did too (an exaggeration though I can carry on rudimentary conversation). He giggled whenever I spoke to him in Chinese, and his big sister, Amy, gently corrected my pronunciation. She also gave me a picture of horses she drew, which I will treasure. Before they left after lunch today to go home to Houston, she took a picture of me with her brother, and he took one of me with his sister. I will miss them!
I actually owe Jason credit for the glitter escapade. Anna, the young rabbi and chaplain from Dallas who was at the camp, opened the art supply closet for us. It was a kid's dream. We couldn't allow the kids in, but Jason would stand at the door and make requests. He was the one who saw the glitter and asked for some. It turned out to be the most popular of all the art supplies. The kids had great fun with glue and glitter, which of course ended up everywhere! What's an art room for if you can't make a mess? My husband laughed when I joined him for lunch because I had glitter on my face. I also had some on my shoes and my clothes--bits of sunshine and rainbow glory in a dark and scary time, a reminder of the rainbow promise God gave Noah. God is good all the time. Even, and maybe especially, in the midst of a hurricane evacuation.
Grace and Peace,
Donna Sue
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
Computer blahs
Well, I'm not bored, and I'm not finding it easy to find time to write these days. I'm enjoying the Business Ethics class, but keeping up with the assignments is keeping me busy. I suspect my students would say the same thing. I've also spent more time than I would like so far wrestling with the university's computers. That has happened in the past at the beginning of each semester, but I was lulled into complacency since I was able to log on without problems this semester. Now for some unknown reason the messages I'm trying to send to the class are bouncing back, and I'm frustrated. When the technology works it's a blessing, but when it doesn't it's anything but. Of course I guess that's true with a lot of things in this world. All in all I prefer the simpler blessings, of which my life has a great abundance, a loving family, enjoyable work to do, plenty to eat, a safe place to live, freedom to worship, good health. Focusing on them makes it easier to forget the technological challenges that are part of life these days, at least for many in our culture. Better to focus on God and God's blessings. O, give thanks to the Lord, for He is good. God is good. All the time. Even when the computers are not.
Grace and Peace,
Donna Sue
Grace and Peace,
Donna Sue
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